Number 13

well..
(love that word. there is no "well" in the german language, or if there is, it wouldn't make sense using it like you do in english. life is unfair..)

On the schoolyard you'd find me sitting alone on a bench watching the others running around, smoking, talking, mobbing and so on, trying to understand how they always manage to shut down their minds that long, not caring about the meaning of everything and the unimportance of their "omg! my nail just broke last period!! aahhhh *faint*"-conversations.
sometimes i'm wondering why and how humanity got that shallow, but in the very next moment i understand that if everyone would be as crazy as i am, we would all commit suicide because life makes no sense anymore..but then my next thought would be something like: "then i must be a prophet like jesus.." or "what's better? teaching humanity all the knowledge and wisdom or drop an atomic bomb?"
this whole self-conversation would end with: i prefer just being annie.. just annie.
but no matter how far and deep i get with all the thinking, nature always brings me down to earth again. it does amaze me how everything works in nature and no animal is wondering why it works or if there is a deeper sense behind it. no.. they just sleep, kill, eat, running away from enemies, take a sunbath and then sleep again. life could be so simple! being human is actually the same, it's just way more complicated.
so what's my role in this play? i hate doing the background roles.. i'm at my school's theatre club and didn't had any speaking role this year! why am i in this f*cking club? they could also play nick hornby's "a long way down" without me! so whats the sense behind that? just the participation in a club or the being "social"? i wanna be appreciated.
the difficult thing is: how can i make myself look from the outside just the same as from the inside? or.. well.. i actually don't want everyone to see my wings. it's kinda a secret.. but what if you only have this one secret that makes you special and interesting?
and what if you actually everytime change your mind and it goes like "i want the cool kids to like me".."no i prefer being alone with myself"? i try to let both sides out, but not at the same time. but the "i prefer being alone" side is stronger. my mind doesn't want to leave me alone. it follows me around like a crazy stalker, waiting for another good situation to turn itself on.
but it can leave me alone sometimes. when i'm hanging around with friends, doing nonsense activities and having fun. life is pretty good!
but then again it feels like wasting time. they always say youth is the best time in life. 30 years later i'll say "oh jees.. why didnt i just go to these parties, get drunk and had a good time, instead of sitting around at home thinking about if it would be a waste of time sitting around at home thinking if it would be a waste of time sitting around at home thinking.." and so on and so forth.. but at the moment i find writing this blog more important than dancing and drinking. everyone his own. but if my whole life would be like that, then it wouldn't be a well-used life! i wanna experience everything, traveling to every country and having a dozen kids. i just can't decide.. is there a golden middle? if i'd follow the creative, deepthinking path, i wouldn't earn enough money to follow the other path at the same time. and if i'd follow the other path, i wouldn't find a job that i love..
at this point my thought suddenly stops. my mind is striking. probably because i didn't had my glass of milk yet..

sorry for not getting the actuall point of the whole character problem thing.. i'm still a little over the moon x.x

As soon as you decide which of the 2 paws is the right one, you can be sure that the other one is the left one. (winnieh the pooh)